we love you !

Dear Guillianna and Elijah-

You are in our thoughts today and always!

This is a difficult to write for it is written because today would be the day for me to shop gifts to you both for Christmas .  The hope that there would be a change and visit or something of some sort to improve by this upcoming holiday .   So today will be long and full of emotion.

I spoke to Aunt KiKi today and she is still so sad and so shocked that she was not even allowed to see you or Eli when she came by for your birthday and that you were not going to be allowed the gifts.    No more gifts from Nana and Poppy ! ??

She asked can she just say hi – she and all her family we sent away .    The tears were real and they were unnecessary for she has been a very good Aunt.     She says “what did I do?”  “Why is this like this ?”  She  loves  you and now she sees first hand  how Poppy and Nana are in shock and disbelief at this – something that was not fully felt before .    All the relatives thinking they would see you all soon – as  I said – I we have been initially told that you two were to come back in two weeks at first.   No indication you’d never return or that you’d not get to have your bikes or toys or clothing – why ?    The very same question  we have asked ourselves.  The very same tears we have all shed – wondering what effect there will be when little innocent children,  who only want mom and dads love and admiration,  change every single aspect of their lives- from where they live to how they wake up and go to sleep how they play,   and everything in between – and not a single solitary thing in their day, or in their life is familiar  and then it  is compiled with the fact  they must also turn away and almost seeming do something similar to the act of shunning   – the very people they have always loved.    What could have been said or what perception did they adopt to change from loving  and happy being around us  having dream-starters playing with friends activities and family that they so loved to see, to wanting nothing to do with anyone?    The other day it was said that you wanted to see cousins and potential FaceTime would be arranged but that has yet to happen.   We are hopeful it will since any connection to see you and allow you to feel familiarity has to help you both.

We had hoped with time and the clear understanding that everyone here in the Mitten had and has ONLY ever LOVED you both , and did everything in their power to make certain you felt love, happiness  and ensure that you had the time of your life while living  in the Mitten- that there would be a change in the direction!  We hoped that with time,  the role of parenting would settle in coupled with the distance or space needed to assume the full time responsibilities of, to and from school and activities and play dates, meals , medical needs etc. that  reality would prove just how amazing, smart witty, fun and wonderful you’ve both grown to be while in the Mitten.   It would be clear to see how loved you  are , and how much everyone in your life also means to you both.  It was the hope – there would be a desire  to have family and connection to all you love.  Hopefully  that kind of long distance connection would help in preventing any attachment or distrust issues for you both in the future.

To imagine how it must feel to lose the daily interaction with  people you loved and trusted for all your lives – for you to  wonder or think the bond you had both formed and lived with for so many years is gone , it is just unthinkable to comprehend.  And  it must be clearly stated THE BOND IS NOT GONE,  THE LOVE IS NOT LOST – we are still here and we will always live – even if only in your minds and hearts – the one place where nothing can erase the truth not even time, distance or mortality.   Yes, it may be forgotten or fade  should this isolation  from all you’ve ever known continue.   This site  however,  the words upon each page,  the images will hopefully spark memories and preserve reality and  one day “say”  or speak to you –  telling you  yes ‘we were truly loved by all and they loved trying to help  while mom and dad served, they wanted mom to know we were happy, they always said mom and dad were out helping the world and we mimicked that in so many ways with Nana – from helping others, being a volunteer, giving our time, doing things like make it matter day,  the children’s leukemia foundation,  the singing of carols at Fox Run – serving others and always knowing we were doing it to be like our mom and dad !    To serve  and show kindness-  photos day after day year after year – the images show the many smiles and the fun times-   these old photos and memories are  all things to help and relive so many wonderful things in your lives.

LETS ALSO BE CLEAR EVERYONE IS  DIFFERENT-  and being different is good . It makes us each individuals .    SOME PEOPLE LOVE TO HANG AROUND FAMILY OR TALK REGULARLY, SOME PEOPLE SEND BIRTHDAY CARDS AND TRY TO BE A PART OF OTHERS LIVES  and OTHERS MAY ONLY WANT A  LITTLE INTERACTION WITH FAMILY OR EVEN MAYBE , others WOULD SAY THEY want no part of having to think of others.    Some people would not want to go visit family, or be present at a birth , or go to help others in their family. For some to   celebrate with family or have the responsibility of sharing a relationship when they are so busy taking care of their own lives  or following their own dreams, they may not feel they have time or a need  for family .   This is a personal choice and doesn’t make anyone and a bad person or one right and one wrong.     It simply means that one person may like things one way and another likes them different.  What is right  or comfortable for some is maybe not right or comfortable  for others and it is a choice  in the case of children – that is made by parents .    Aunt KiKi is sad as is everyone you’ve know here – because we all  have  always been  more the  type to always think of others,  birthdays and I know she is one sending coloring books to nieces and nephews , calling relatives , stopping  In or driving hours to visit and say hello to them.  The family as a whole is the type to want to share in the lives of others  despite schedule, location  or anything  else In life – always is thinking about how to stay connected.   She loves you both as do all your Aunts and Uncles, great grandparents and friends !

All moms as dads have different rules for their kids and they get to choose.     Others prefer not having to worry about others outside of their  own lives or their own jobs It’s not as important to them if they check in with older relatives to make sure they are ok.   Some may not feel the need  to have external contact with siblings or other family.  This again is a personal choice – and doesn’t mean you  and your memories or your wishes are something to feel shame for or hide, they are just part of you and we are all individuals – they love you both and none of this is about  not  being loved by them enough –  it is simply personal preference and one that If they feel happier and enjoy not seeing family it is the journey that you must follow until your grown .     While it is true parents are allowed to tell you who you can see and who to speak to and who can speak to you, they do it for their own personal reasons and not to hurt you intentionally.    They have the right to raise their children as they choose.  Understanding the love the two of you felt and have in your hearts is not something they can relate to  right now.      What cannot ever be changed is the years the many moments and amazing memories of time  you spent sharing in the lives of so many others , visiting  ad loving so much of your extended family. Being there when’s cousins were born and all the love and laughter as you shared time with them and with us .  Loving  and visiting your great grandparents and seeing the cousins – all of these are things that you can keep-  inside your heart and let the interaction you have had  with these people who have touched your lives,  be a good and happy part of you-  for it truly was just that all the years you were in the Mitten.   You can always know that our love our hopes our support will be everlasting.

‘ Survival mode’ is what professionals call it when there is a change  in someone life that is so drastic, or so incomprehensible that there is this internal mechanism that kicks in and allows the mind a pathway to cope .     The concept of how a child yearns for the approval of a parent or caregiver is basic and universal at certain ages.  It is possible that if a parent  wants nothing to do with the life their children had been living or lived over almost a decade, and creates a whole new life that is unique  a child can adapt to new elements because of  the need  to survive and be loved and make proud , they can adapt to the new surroundings and conform.   Or let’s say  as a different example when parents aren’t together, they have separate homes – a child will love both people – yet  they live very different lives when in each different home, it is possible that a need for a parental approval  certainly could  possibly initiate this sort of  survival instinct.  A willingness to fit in , be like , and learn the behaviors and sentiments.    A sort of withdrawal or shut down, or change in demeanor to fit in to be accepted , to earn  approval, or to feel the love that is so deserved  and needed.  It must be so difficult when you have had a loss of people who were very significant, but have no one who understands that loss.    And who possibly instead fuels a rebellion.    In these kinds of situations –  a child will be resilient and pull back or adapt to the environment they are in to survive .

We know that every single day until after Christmas last year you were both  happy and loving and had so much attachment.  We know for certain that it was tears to be leaving and well heard promises when asked can we call ?  The response was yes !     The promise as you both were sobbing in the car – and all your belongings (less the few items put in a small box) sat left behind,  a solid statement of you’ll be back in January for your appointment was made. In January the appointment contacted Nana and was not ever cancelled, just a no show.    There were a few calls but one in particular that stands out is this ,  the day Elijah was allowed to FaceTime when he wanted to see his bedroom.   He had heard we were moving and asked why … Nana said ‘because with his dad out of the military you won’t be needing to live in Nanas house anymore,  you get to stay with mom and dad all the time’ he then gave me the thumbs down and I added don’t worry  when you visit the new house we will have a guest bedroom ! ‘   asking him as mom said it was time for bed – “ Nana and Poppy alone didn’t need such a big house, right? And he was scurried away where in Guillianna took the phone to show me her room , and within minutes she was told it was bed time and I asked “can she call Poppy real quick he is at work “  the response was no it is 7:30 and a school night , where in Guillianna asked can we call tomorrow ?   The answer was yes, and then she ask can we do it  on the way to school and the answer was , yes and the call ended.  He is still eating and never heard a word !    No these kids did not want our calls to stop our letters our packages.   They were withheld.    As far back as Valentine’s Day ,  drama ensued and seemingly the kids were denied a Valentine’s Day gift and this left hearts broken, letting them think that we forgot !

It’s  unbearable for us is imagining the reasons or rationale  that could be manifested within them in these past months, planted stories or partial truths , we simply cannot imagine what was told to you both – would you  have been told perhaps  ,  Nana and Poppy have forgotten you ?  Or don’t care ?    What possible thing could have happened that makes the children as is claimed not want to speak to people they always did.   The  negatively charged statements we can only assume of people they love , feelings against other people they love … is the only possible answer .    We are so sad for the feelings you’d have if you were to believe that Nana and Poppy would ever  chose this ?  Or for either of you to wonder , why don’t Nana, Poppy, or Mommy and dad  fix this for us ?     The possible reasons that may have been given to you for the disappearance of ALL the many people you ever had contact with and loved in the Mitten- is simply shattering.   Or the silence of no explanation equally devastating –   The  conditioning and tactics used  to instill some sort of idea or belief that people you love are disposable and or unimportant, irrelevant, bad and useless is frightening ?  What has been said – we will not likely ever know,  we are beyond sad for the damage that is being done in the inability to communicate and share in two lives that have always trusted and depended upon us.

Sure it is true  – Families everywhere are different.   Yet it seems that a majority  of families culturally in the USA as well as other places actually do hold some sense of committment to each other.   Some sense of attachment.   Some sense of value on parents and grandparents , and the people who touch their lives.    False accusations or imagined stories told in an effort  to ‘detach’ a person from all they know ?  Is this a possibility ?   We have no clue what has been said or done  to make this erratic change.    The divide that exists currently is painful in so many ways and to so many people-  there is no doubt.   The only hope we can hold on to is that one day the images that live in your minds and the love in your souls from the past years of your life can rise above the confusion the fears, the loss and the actions,  that have taken two kids deeply set in an environment full of family, activities, friends  and a lifestyle that  was all about sharing with extended family and love of spending time with them –  to isolation from everything they knew ,  to live where they must learn to simply cut  people they love out of their lives!

Poppy and I will never forget, we will never let any sort of possible untruths change the reality that is and we will always believe in being us, the people you have always known before last January began this heart breaking time.   We will always believe In acting on love and living in kindness.      We will believe In you both-  as we always have.

As a child much of the happiness in life  is contingent on the satisfaction of those you love.    It’s such an unthinkable dichotomy to imagine how a child would ever be forced to choose between very important role models in their lives.    To be forced by actions or events in their lives to change everything they ever knew and begin again.    Ironically Nana and Poppy have seen first hand what loss, inability to control, what cultural and environmental changes can do .   This site is a “thing” an object so to speak – not human, and while it is not tangible for the broken heart to feel its love – or it cannot begin to come close to delivering the feelings of a big hug  or tenderness that human connection can bring-  it is the very best we have to offer two very innocent children who we know changed from wanting to see us,   and loving to talk to us , from crazy amounts of  laughter as play to something we cannot begin to understand.   We cannot ever give up on the hope,  of truth and reality.

Every year for both of your lives we have been able to send to you love and share the spirit of the holiday season – this year is unbearable.    The sorrow felt for innocent children who get  caught in the crosshairs of the emotions or issues of others is not only unfair it is life altering and Poppy and Nana have but one gift for you both this year- it’s not something I can wrap, and to a child it will not feel like a gift at all – our gift is to safely share with two of our grandchildren a the promise of continued love.   The promise to hold on to truth and hope that one day those who have been unable to see  it, because of THEIR own “story”  will grow and be seen, and if not today, tomorrow, or the next day or the next day after  that  – no matter how long it takes for truth to rise – and it eventually does, we will not change in our love for you both.

Hugs and kisses  we love you to the moon and back, forever and for always,

XOXOXOXOXOXO

❤️Nana and Poppy❤️?