Dear Guillianna and Elijah ,

Attached to this page a file will download.

The file contains “love letters” from your mom to her parents.     These words can hopefully  help you to better understand the depth of heart felt pain and sorrow.    As a small child many emotions were developed and have triggers or memories deeply rooted within this emotions.    There is such heartbreak associated with the animosity and discord we witnessed , from a one time small child , and now into adulthood.   The magnitude  of loss and seemingly self preservation skill set that brought forth an inability to experience attachment combined with a jealousy of others that is unparalleled.   Many letters or experiences as a child seemed to develop  an inability to attach, to feed distrust,  or the create a need for independence.   The jealousy of  brothers to stay in a home that  once was, the hate over being sent to live as an orphan ,  the inability to trust anyone all  transferred into one life – and  that image is all truth.    It is not a story.   It is the pain of a small child carries through a lifetime . It has been a constant   – there was a time where Poppy and I saw so much growth , yet now it seems to have dissipated.    The Army is a conducive environment for people who don’t mind moving all the time.  Changing and moving    place to place, state to state.  The army life is one where in its soldiers learn,  it is easier if one can conform to a standard of – Do not attach, do not settle in too much, for it will change and change again.   The perfect environment for one who doesn’t need or want to feel attached !   Every person is unique and different    How life affects each person is unique as well     And it is never all transparent, all black or all white.   It is fragments, snippets, pieces that formulate a bigger picture     These letters here in , are snippets into a very challenging aspect of what happened in our lives as a mom and dad.   As two people who gave all they were to make your mom and all of our children healthy and happy.    There is no question we did not succeed.    The answers as to why we did not succeed however are not as simple as may be assumed.   In today’s technological world the past is able to be documented and preserved.

Poppy and Nana will always wish for mom to be happy.    That one day,  she will sincerely  allow you to show the love of your grandparents as you always had in the past and not fear rejection or disappointment if you did.  That she would feel holiness and joy in your  feeling good about being able to attach , feel joy for you that you have the love of family and allow you to choose for yourself the right to attach or want it in your world.    For the first nine and six  years of life you experienced great love of all kinds of family you’ve been removed from.   We have been vilified and demonized as parents to your mom, and it has been transferred now onto how you two were treated in our care.   The letters we have, seem to stop us of our character, devalue is, and show that the heartache felt by a small child could NOW BECOME YOUR BURDEN TO CARRY TOO… unless you have the tools and knowledge to learn grow and formulate a way to understand it.

Our hope,  that she would one day be ‘awakened’ to see the value of her own  parents in her life, continues to diminish.     We hope still but we are also realistic and concerned.    Maybe our greatest chance of hope can be that she will at the very least one day see that you both  truly loved so  deeply and deserved to have family even if she choose not to.

The fact is there are many different perspectives.     Having the background, the knowledge to understand or cope is key.   Be it in therapy, or in adulthood, one day knowing ALL of the truth,  ALL of the love, All of the dedication that existed.   Can help you have peace and to know your loved beyond words by all you knew here will have some residual value some day even if your parents succeed in replacing  all your good feelings with tainted ones.  These letters are pieces, snippets and insight into this journey Poppy and I have chosen.    We chose love.     We choose to hope and believe in love.    We know you have every potential within you to be happy healthy  and successful in all you do. Our hope includes that your lives will have the balance they deserve !

(Encryption )