Dear Guillianna and Elijah ,
Attached to this page a file will download.
The file contains “love letters” from your mom to her parents. These words can hopefully help you to better understand the depth of heart felt pain and sorrow. As a small child many emotions were developed and have triggers or memories deeply rooted within this emotions. There is such heartbreak associated with the animosity and discord we witnessed , from a one time small child , and now into adulthood. The magnitude of loss and seemingly self preservation skill set that brought forth an inability to experience attachment combined with a jealousy of others that is unparalleled. Many letters or experiences as a child seemed to develop an inability to attach, to feed distrust, or the create a need for independence. The jealousy of brothers to stay in a home that once was, the hate over being sent to live as an orphan , the inability to trust anyone all transferred into one life – and that image is all truth. It is not a story. It is the pain of a small child carries through a lifetime . It has been a constant – there was a time where Poppy and I saw so much growth , yet now it seems to have dissipated. The Army is a conducive environment for people who don’t mind moving all the time. Changing and moving place to place, state to state. The army life is one where in its soldiers learn, it is easier if one can conform to a standard of – Do not attach, do not settle in too much, for it will change and change again. The perfect environment for one who doesn’t need or want to feel attached ! Every person is unique and different How life affects each person is unique as well And it is never all transparent, all black or all white. It is fragments, snippets, pieces that formulate a bigger picture These letters here in , are snippets into a very challenging aspect of what happened in our lives as a mom and dad. As two people who gave all they were to make your mom and all of our children healthy and happy. There is no question we did not succeed. The answers as to why we did not succeed however are not as simple as may be assumed. In today’s technological world the past is able to be documented and preserved.
Poppy and Nana will always wish for mom to be happy. That one day, she will sincerely allow you to show the love of your grandparents as you always had in the past and not fear rejection or disappointment if you did. That she would feel holiness and joy in your feeling good about being able to attach , feel joy for you that you have the love of family and allow you to choose for yourself the right to attach or want it in your world. For the first nine and six years of life you experienced great love of all kinds of family you’ve been removed from. We have been vilified and demonized as parents to your mom, and it has been transferred now onto how you two were treated in our care. The letters we have, seem to stop us of our character, devalue is, and show that the heartache felt by a small child could NOW BECOME YOUR BURDEN TO CARRY TOO… unless you have the tools and knowledge to learn grow and formulate a way to understand it.
Our hope, that she would one day be ‘awakened’ to see the value of her own parents in her life, continues to diminish. We hope still but we are also realistic and concerned. Maybe our greatest chance of hope can be that she will at the very least one day see that you both truly loved so deeply and deserved to have family even if she choose not to.
The fact is there are many different perspectives. Having the background, the knowledge to understand or cope is key. Be it in therapy, or in adulthood, one day knowing ALL of the truth, ALL of the love, All of the dedication that existed. Can help you have peace and to know your loved beyond words by all you knew here will have some residual value some day even if your parents succeed in replacing all your good feelings with tainted ones. These letters are pieces, snippets and insight into this journey Poppy and I have chosen. We chose love. We choose to hope and believe in love. We know you have every potential within you to be happy healthy and successful in all you do. Our hope includes that your lives will have the balance they deserve !
A Love Story –
New Love Letters!
This site was originally written when Guillilanna was born. During her parents deployment and training, we would keep Guillianna in the Mitten. Then Elijah was born and he too was a frequent flyer to the Mitten. They lived with us on and off for nine years. Over the last deployment to Korea and during the past three years where in the kids lived with us for three consecutive years, the internet and this site was not really used to communicate with their parents, FACETIME was quick and easy. Their dad recently got out of the Army and they were relocated. We have not seen or talked with Eli or Guillianna for months. Last we saw them on FaceTime was May 2018. Last we held them December 2017, just after Christmas. Yet the reality is THIS IS NOT ABOUT just OUR BROKEN HEARTS- it is about theirs, ours and our entire family! for these kids who are so small and innocent, they have had a major change in thier lives. It is our hope that the journaling of our time together, and the and the new love letters for them will one day allow them to truly know the depth of love we ALL here in the Mitten have for them.
This site is also a special gift for our daughter, it documents all kinds of small details and images for her to keep, love and enjoy! These memories encompass nine and six years of the lives of her children! A true gift, that one day she may actually appreciate and have gratitude for. She doesn’t think of us as her parents at present, but maybe in the future, she will sit and reflect on all these memories, maybe she will see the love and dedication that she herself was given because of our love for her. If not, this journal, can hopefully one day allow Guillianna and Elijah to see and feel the truth, the love, and they will realize the amazing impact they have had on all of us here in the Mitten, and they will feel the love of all those who they spent their lives with, before embarking on the new journey they have begun. Friends, family alike have shared in nearly a decade of thier lives and all wish for the family to be happy. If it is a parents right and philosophy to “cut people out of your life like a kindergartener cuts out paper snowflakes” and raise their children to feel the same, this new set of love letters are written with the hope that in time the innocent will feel the love they HAVE always had, and the love they can ALWAYS carry it with them.