New movie coming this summer, and I couldn’t help but wonder “What if ?”!

Nana December 30, 2018 0Comments

Dear Guillianna and Elijah

Today I learned of a new movie coming out this summer 2019… a Disney movie, a remake of the Lion King and I could not help but remember Ms Gifford’s play and the fun that was had!    I hope ( more than you know ) we can visit you two or that you can visit us when the movie is out so we could take you.   The thing is – that would take a special sort of gift ….

The hope for a future that is full of love happiness continuity and us seeing you is in the hands of those who can only make it possible with seeing truth – by putting aside the falseness or a seeming hate  or poison that has suddenly spread to levels that are hurting so many relationships – while these feelings of “toxicity” are a  is very personal choice ,  it seems to have been transferred onto innocence.  At least that is what we have been told .    That two little ones do not ever want to see of hear from us ?      The hope that someday,  some way, my daughter will see the real or honest love that exists is essential to any hope for immediate resolve.     The only thing we knew is that you kids loved deeply   Months later we hear things that paint an image that says you “never want to see us or speak to us again” yet just a few months ago could not wait to share with us talk to us – FaceTime in May ?   Asking if you could call Poppy when I said he was at work.   it just makes no sense at all!  All we have are the constant questions and what if’s-

WHAT IF –  what if – what happened ?  We cannot answer, and can only pick up pieces and there have been so many ” what if” questions .  This is just a few samples of what we wonder ?

What if, there is a dislike  that grown ups have for others that has been forcibly put on the shoulders of innocent children who only ever loved and enjoyed ?   WHAT IF something has been created or engineered by design to banish people who are loved from small children and then reinforced by attempting to say “oh they didn’t send  Valentines day gifts”, or “they do not care”?   What if?  What if the intended result of actions was create an inference,  the notion  that family – cousins, aunts , uncles , great grandparents, everyone ever loved – that all of these familial elements were somehow disposable , replaceable ? That they simply disappear and human life – human relationships – should be disregarded, tossed aside and are of such little value that when removed – when dropped out of lives – it would not matter?    Could a scenario like this ever happen?

As people – living in a free world –  it would be a personal choice to live the life chosen and to choose a life for children-  there is no doubt .   It is so so important that it is clear that  NEVER  would  OR do my love letters convey in any way that any person in your family  does  not love you both –  for I know with all my heart my daughter loves her children  and for nine years she did everything in her power to ensure you were with her own mom and dad in her absence.    I know she wanted the very best for her children and I do believe somewhere inside her soul she knows that the two of you have had the very best we all  parents grandparents and all the supporting family could provide .

When Guillianna had her surgery in 2017 a major change occurred and was also surely impacted by the return  from Korea  – the love and attachment seen –  that had been happening over nine years time-   or maybe additional impact when dad was not able to be in The Mitten – but suddenly things changed     Quickly and abruptly – The exact details of all that is something we may not ever really know – and honestly any explanation could not ever be  trusted  based upon this past years events.

It seems as though to make certain that the only things left in your lives would be new things and therefore the innocent in all of this would both attach easier.

Nana and Poppy , in our lives, learned a lot about something called adult RAD and one day may or may not prove to be where some answers to questions may be found.     What is sad – is that despite so much pure love for children , there will be a wound so deep that now that effects of the heartfelt loss – encompasses two more innocent lives – which may not be realized until so much later.  These love letters are by design a hope to prevent loss of trust, feelings of abandonment and maybe just maybe,  fill in gaps that could be helpful tools later in life.  What may seem useless to some-  may be helpful to another- but the risk of not sharing is so great and the heartbreak that lives when questions are unanswered is more than sad… it can be life altering.  So I will opt for hope, believe in love, and always  hold on to truth of what love exists in our hearts.    Fact of what was for all these years and hope for what tomorrow may bring.

I hope for an awakening  that our daughter will find out sooner than later the importance of grandparents and extended family in life.  The importance of the very people her children have loved deeply.      The army has a special knack for keeping its soldiers moving and not allowing much opportunity for attachment.   Maybe something miraculous will happen, maybe ?       But one day – somewhere some how we will hope she remembers all that was done day in and day out – that she will see that even things she believed she did independently – like taking classes while in the army to earn a BS degree – learning to drive, learning about everything in her life , were opportunity’s afforded to her with help of so many others.  People who helped her all of her Army career from private onwards to E7 – be it  in small ways maybe , but all unnoticed.    Ever person she has ever known be it here in the USA or elsewhere has contributed to her life as is true of us all     We are shaped by good and bad bit to ignore the good and to ignore the love and claim that all you are is independent of any love or family ?   Simply not true.

What if?

After all we clearly know she earned her own way, but never in life are we Independent – soldier or not , army of one ?    That slogan may have been a motto but- team and never leaving your battle, working cohesively- but it is never one – it is always with the help of others – a team.

What if…   The idea that so many have shared in her life contributed to her journey and even though our love seems completely lost on her – what if , we are parents – who love and tried so to prove to her that when she asked, when she needed – we were there.    Subtle ways direct ways but every single time, tried to helped her.

What if – She truly needs to exist believing she is alone and no one ever helped her do anything  for if she can believe that she can not care have to  about or for anyone.  What if ….   She will protect herself by not caring – and not letting herself feel the love .

What if – Admitting that she has had any help at all is something she has not ever been able to do.    She feels she survived life entirely on her own.   That she never had any family that she is and has always been hurt or let down by family .   That she never had any help.   That the world was cruel and no one ever loved her ?  What if ?

But what if-  that was how she felt? And now has let her feelings become those of her children?  Oh my goodness what if?

What if ? In doing this, will she will have created new trust issues for her own children now?

What if all of this is so mich more than just unfair to two kids who simply loved the Nana and Poppy they always have known ?

WHAT IF the only gift we have to offer you both is truth, love, and historical input for your future , what if you spend the rest of your lives feeling unhappiness that was contrived or misleading ,,, the only thing we have left to give is the simple fact that you are both loved  – for ever and for always – from here to the moon and back –

The website of love letters is written to make sure we don’t lose sight of truth , and What is real.    We love our children.   We love our grandchildren.   We respect that we are perfectly imperfect people who have always loved and will love always.    We will hope that the “what if ?”, Can be dispelled into realization that we need to live in kindness, in integrity and in gratitude for what we have, who has been part of our journey and choose to live in love ?.  What if we can dream about one day soon seeing your smiling faces, going to a new movie, watching your journey as grandparents do, summer visits or school breaks?   What if we hope…  that is what we will do and in that hope is hope for you to be happy to feel loved and to know we hold your biggest dreams and all the joy in the world close not matter the distance no matter the circumstance we are wishing you love always !

what if you could always feel and know in your hearts –

We love you  to the moon and back,

forever and for always –

❤️Nana and Poppy ❤️?

Sebastian’s party and visits to the Mitten !

Nana December 29, 2018 0Comments

Dear Guillianna and Elijah

We  missed you both so much at Sebastian’s 2nd birthday.    Carlos 1 and Ms. Nancy  bought a new home and they had everyone over for his birthday.  Aunt Kiki Uncle Ricky and the kids as well as Aunt Allyssa Uncle Dwan and their kids came too.   The great grandparents were also there Papa Grandma Sharyn and grandma Sally,  they enjoyed themselves as well.     It was a Mickey Mouse theme and it was very nice it was missing some family for sure and we can hope one day things will be different.     Wishing you could have come !   Gray got the piñata to come down this year.   I am certain you remember the piñatas from prior years !  So much laughter for the little ones and many little candies too !  The whole family was always there to support you two for your birthdays… and now that there are decisions made that won’t allow you to have this extended family in your lives we hope you will always know we are with you always even when it seems we are far.

I hope you have had a lot of fun with family all through out the holiday season.    I wait for the day you will be able to tell us all about it and the things that make you smile and laugh .

Makes us think of  so many fun times where you and your cousins would get together and we hope you love new visits with family  and create fun times, like you once had with Nana and Poppy.

In a few days we will bring 2019 in and it will be a new hope for lots of dreams and exciting new memories .    Hopeful that you’re enjoying your break from school and some family time !   Please know you’re loved, missed and the only gift  of love we have is our promise of love and these written letters of love are being sent- may you have peace in your hearts and know without question you’re loved to the moon and back ,

forever and for always ,

❤️Nana and Poppy❤️?

A visit….

Nana December 28, 2018 0Comments

Dear Guillianna and Elijah,

Well we are almost at the end of another week and today is the anniversary of your leaving the Mitten ? a whole year ago .  While the circumstances of these last few months have left us heart broken and more than worried, we are hopeful that you will both be okay.   That history of our own children’s trauma of being displaced and the lack of control over their lives,  is not repeated and that you both will rise and soar above this painful time and loss and live fully in the love of your mom and dad who also will always love you and who  also want a life for you that is full of great things and above all happiness!    They simply have a different view point or value on family than what you’ve been accoustomed to in the past nine years.

It is a great new adventure for you both and a new chapter in your lives.    I wish it was completed with the family and friends of the past nine years!  That would have made for perfection in your lives.   The love and support of so many who have loved and supported you both always – is surely missed by you as children , in your immediate futures but one day these letters will hopefully fill a little the missing pieces of your hearts of beautifully intelligent young adults who will remember the truth and the real life you shared in the Mitten .

Until that day arrives we hope you will play games, do all the fun things you used to do with us and so much more.   From activities at school like trunk or treat, play dates with friends, Christmas traditions, cheer, dance, karate, baseball, soccer, and new things like Elijah running with daddy since he loved running , or other school sports and clubs like drama and theatre.    I know you will hopefully  get to know more about  family on daddy’s side !   Your other grandparents and cousins – and hopefully love every second of visits and fun with them all .    You’re both so fond of babies and little ones , and have always loved spending time with them , so it’s our hope that you’ll get some time to share with others to help  so that you miss us and your lives in the Mitten just a bit less !   

Today we will be visited by Aunt Kiki , Uncle Ricky with Janai and Anthony who will be in town for cousin Bash’s birthday party.  It is nice that they have been to town so many times in the past year and travel the distance to let us see them and I know for certain they would  have been and would be happy to bring you both to visit any time.

Once around  the time Coles birthday they came to town and would have gladly wanted to bring you for a visit .  They know your love for the Mitten and everyone here!  They too, cannot ever stay too long because of school and Army/work commitments too –  but they make huge efforts to do so anyway !   And I know how much they wish they could bring you along to see you smile too!   That way no one would be sad and everyone could get some Nana Poppy time and live happily in their new life!  One day maybe this will be possible or mom’s schedule will allow for her to bring you here and let you see all your friends and family !

We too would travel to you,  as we always did – and we have told your mom and dad – any time.    We await them to tell us when you’re schedule will allow for it, which is what they had said at one point.   Now it seems that they say it is you don’t want to see or speak us , and maybe that is because if you show love,  or miss us you’ll risk feeling you are disappointing  them or somehow worrying that it would upset them … therefore,  we write.   Not wanting you ever to worry or fear disappointing us and letting you know that we hold on to the many gifts you left behind, the notes, the brief case love letters and the memories.

Yes – we will wait until your family is ready for visits, or until you’re old enough to make the trip for a visit as an adult.    Regardless of how long it takes – we will continue to love you and wish you so much happiness… no matter the distance, no matter how long it takes to find our letters of love, we wish you infinite possibilities and dreams that one day become realities !        It is likely that the Army could move your mom so may different places through out the world, simply know our love will follow  you – because just like us “living in your hearts” , our hearts will always hold your love  inside of ours too!

We have more pics of years gone by for you to see and we hope you will always notice the smiles and sincere happiness in these photos .     We love you both , as regardless of anything you ever grow to think or do, regardless of anything that ever happened that pure kind of love we shared stays.   It doesn’t ever leave not even when we are old , if we traveled, if we grow so old our minds are not the same , if we were ever to grow sick , and if we were ever  to pass away,  we will ALWAYS love you and wish you freedom, love, education, good health and kindness –  to the moon and back- forever and for always – WE LOVE YOU!

❤️Nana and Poppy❤️?

On this day ….

Nana December 27, 2018 0Comments

Dear Guillianna and Elijah-

My phone chimed this morning and it was an “on this day” reminder in my photos.    There was the photo of the special dinner we went to before your mom took you to meet dad.     The last time Poppy was able to hug you since you left the following day while he was at work.    The multiple times he has asked simply to see your faces and talk to you are countless.   We went from hearing the response you got when you asked through your tears,  “yes, you can call anytime”,  and “you’ll be back in a few weeks for a doctors appointment “,   to  this present day – never seeing photos, no time for FaceTime,  or hearing voices on phone calls, and they don’t want to speak to you!

Comments that we have done things like lied to hurt you, that you were made to ”drink vinegar”,  that you were abused to the point of turning and doing a 180 from the children who had so much love and need for hugs goodnight kisses on the monitor and laughter, wishes for pick up or drop off by Nana at school, Poppy Nana days to they don’t want to see or hear from you ?

We hoped some adjustment time was all that was needed and that the emotions would subside into truths.     The need for isolation would lessen and reattachment would take a honest and natural turn.   Maybe it still can, and maybe it won’t for years, the pages and documents preserved will help when the day arrives that answers are sought out and these love letters can help guide you to know this simple fact.    Your parents love you both so very much.    They worked very hard to make their way through the demands of the military.    They did so with the help of parents and family who love them.    Every person is an individual and has things they feel or believe in, they have dreams or hopes for how they will live their own lives and not all people envision the same goals, objectives or value the same principles.      And it is all a part of being and living free in a world where when you grow up you do get to choose the life you want.     No one more right or wrong than the other when it comes to choices on things like what style clothes to wear, what type of home to buy or rent, what faith to believe, and what kind of role do you want family to play .      These choices are individual and cannot be right or wrong, they are opinion.    And everyone is entitled to have opinion.

We took thousands of photos over the years to share with mom and dad.   Yet since last December have not seen one .    The issues that are so concerning have more to do with grown up animosity and issues unrelated to innocence of two amazing kids.  The effects of this animosity upon those who are innocent is what is most disturbing .      The need for children to feel loved and bonded so important to child development and  we will always see the following analogy as being your reality , when a person has  no bond,  no ability to cope with trauma, issues with trust and attachment ,  this personal position and deficit,   now becomes the mantra that will be bestowed upon the innocent who had no preconceived notion, no issue with trust or loss, and love from every direction upon them, becomes their own issues of abandonment, distrust, and sorrow. That is the most sad thing of all.

Today we will think of the smiling faces!     The love, the many memories that encompassed nine years of true happiness and fun , and we tell you in this letter of love and hope,  how truly proud we are of you both.   We love our daughter,  her family  and want happiness for all of you, and we also are very experienced in having lived  through seeing the trauma of loss and change, as well as removal from all things loved.  We learned in great detail the long lasting affect of emotional changes that have prevented full growth and maturity to  ascend above the past trauma.  The loss and changes that impact children , how the  “nurture” versus “nature” can be a contributing factor that  impacts  relationships of those who experience adoption, or loss of influenctial loved ones, and life long toll it takes upon the innocent lives of all involved.   We learned that the myriad of circumstances that can coexist among people who cannot find gratitude for what is, and only look to what isn’t or  wasn’t .  It is that knowledge base we have acquired over decades, that is so worrisome to this Nana and Poppy.    The concern for two little ones who had no choices, no options, no way to keep what was loved while they build anew.  Just severed and lies to support the rationale behind it.   That is why this so much more worrisome.   This love letter and all the rest written to you both will hopefully send you  a sense of love, a sense of connection and help you see that it was not with intent that you’ve been put on this situation     It was parental opinion.  Not a lack of love, not an intentional burden for you both    It is the freedom of parents to choose on behalf of their children and  just like us when we tried to help our children out of our love for them , we did not know the extent of the trauma caused by the loss they felt.     They love you both , and it is an opinion or guess  on our part to think that maybe this is all unresolved because they simply cannot yet understand  how the things you have had to adapt to, or the way it this has been handled,  will truly impact you as you grow into adults.    Maybe it will make you strong, maybe it will make you independent and courageous , maybe it will create distrust, or an emotional impass when casual  memories conflict with expectations.   Your lives,  your future is not something we as grandparents take lightly,  and so protecting you as any grandparent would want to do by writing if nothing else – to say you’re loved, and all of your family love you …. to make sure you know how special you are and the good, the joy the happiness you bring to everyone you’ve ever known… to let you know that as your great grandparents age and cannot see the faces of the two of you , they continue to love and think about you with great hope and dreams for you both.   Yes we will write – for all of those reasons – because there is value in knowing how amazing you are, and while the other cousins can see us, can see great grandparents, can have Christmas together, you who always did, cannot.    If you had not ever known this way of family, if you had not spent your entire lives with us so near, it may not be so odd or different for you – but because of what was, because of what had been foundational, we will write.  And as you are loved by mom and dad and other new friends and new family you had not known before, we too will love, we will hope, and we will preserve the story of all our children.    We will keep for you the story of the journeys that began and grew, when we were parents to young children , and the parental perspective of the our story that led them to be where they were  in life when you were born .

Hopeful you enjoy the rest of your vacation and love on mom and dad play and make great memories !   Stay sweet and kind and never forget the love that surrounds you from everywhere  even when you cannot see it!

Love to you both to the moon and back,

May you always be grateful for what is and hold close to your hearts what once was, learn, love and grow- and make the world as bright as you always have!

Forever and for always,

XOXOXOXOXOXO

❤️Nana and Poppy❤️?