Dear Guillianna and Elijah
Today I learned of a new movie coming out this summer 2019… a Disney movie, a remake of the Lion King and I could not help but remember Ms Gifford’s play and the fun that was had! I hope ( more than you know ) we can visit you two or that you can visit us when the movie is out so we could take you. The thing is – that would take a special sort of gift ….
The hope for a future that is full of love happiness continuity and us seeing you is in the hands of those who can only make it possible with seeing truth – by putting aside the falseness or a seeming hate or poison that has suddenly spread to levels that are hurting so many relationships – while these feelings of “toxicity” are a is very personal choice , it seems to have been transferred onto innocence. At least that is what we have been told . That two little ones do not ever want to see of hear from us ? The hope that someday, some way, my daughter will see the real or honest love that exists is essential to any hope for immediate resolve. The only thing we knew is that you kids loved deeply Months later we hear things that paint an image that says you “never want to see us or speak to us again” yet just a few months ago could not wait to share with us talk to us – FaceTime in May ? Asking if you could call Poppy when I said he was at work. it just makes no sense at all! All we have are the constant questions and what if’s-
WHAT IF – what if – what happened ? We cannot answer, and can only pick up pieces and there have been so many ” what if” questions . This is just a few samples of what we wonder ?
What if, there is a dislike that grown ups have for others that has been forcibly put on the shoulders of innocent children who only ever loved and enjoyed ? WHAT IF something has been created or engineered by design to banish people who are loved from small children and then reinforced by attempting to say “oh they didn’t send Valentines day gifts”, or “they do not care”? What if? What if the intended result of actions was create an inference, the notion that family – cousins, aunts , uncles , great grandparents, everyone ever loved – that all of these familial elements were somehow disposable , replaceable ? That they simply disappear and human life – human relationships – should be disregarded, tossed aside and are of such little value that when removed – when dropped out of lives – it would not matter? Could a scenario like this ever happen?
As people – living in a free world – it would be a personal choice to live the life chosen and to choose a life for children- there is no doubt . It is so so important that it is clear that NEVER would OR do my love letters convey in any way that any person in your family does not love you both – for I know with all my heart my daughter loves her children and for nine years she did everything in her power to ensure you were with her own mom and dad in her absence. I know she wanted the very best for her children and I do believe somewhere inside her soul she knows that the two of you have had the very best we all parents grandparents and all the supporting family could provide .
When Guillianna had her surgery in 2017 a major change occurred and was also surely impacted by the return from Korea – the love and attachment seen – that had been happening over nine years time- or maybe additional impact when dad was not able to be in The Mitten – but suddenly things changed Quickly and abruptly – The exact details of all that is something we may not ever really know – and honestly any explanation could not ever be trusted based upon this past years events.
It seems as though to make certain that the only things left in your lives would be new things and therefore the innocent in all of this would both attach easier.
Nana and Poppy , in our lives, learned a lot about something called adult RAD and one day may or may not prove to be where some answers to questions may be found. What is sad – is that despite so much pure love for children , there will be a wound so deep that now that effects of the heartfelt loss – encompasses two more innocent lives – which may not be realized until so much later. These love letters are by design a hope to prevent loss of trust, feelings of abandonment and maybe just maybe, fill in gaps that could be helpful tools later in life. What may seem useless to some- may be helpful to another- but the risk of not sharing is so great and the heartbreak that lives when questions are unanswered is more than sad… it can be life altering. So I will opt for hope, believe in love, and always hold on to truth of what love exists in our hearts. Fact of what was for all these years and hope for what tomorrow may bring.
I hope for an awakening that our daughter will find out sooner than later the importance of grandparents and extended family in life. The importance of the very people her children have loved deeply. The army has a special knack for keeping its soldiers moving and not allowing much opportunity for attachment. Maybe something miraculous will happen, maybe ? But one day – somewhere some how we will hope she remembers all that was done day in and day out – that she will see that even things she believed she did independently – like taking classes while in the army to earn a BS degree – learning to drive, learning about everything in her life , were opportunity’s afforded to her with help of so many others. People who helped her all of her Army career from private onwards to E7 – be it in small ways maybe , but all unnoticed. Ever person she has ever known be it here in the USA or elsewhere has contributed to her life as is true of us all We are shaped by good and bad bit to ignore the good and to ignore the love and claim that all you are is independent of any love or family ? Simply not true.
What if?
After all we clearly know she earned her own way, but never in life are we Independent – soldier or not , army of one ? That slogan may have been a motto but- team and never leaving your battle, working cohesively- but it is never one – it is always with the help of others – a team.
What if… The idea that so many have shared in her life contributed to her journey and even though our love seems completely lost on her – what if , we are parents – who love and tried so to prove to her that when she asked, when she needed – we were there. Subtle ways direct ways but every single time, tried to helped her.
What if – She truly needs to exist believing she is alone and no one ever helped her do anything for if she can believe that she can not care have to about or for anyone. What if …. She will protect herself by not caring – and not letting herself feel the love .
What if – Admitting that she has had any help at all is something she has not ever been able to do. She feels she survived life entirely on her own. That she never had any family that she is and has always been hurt or let down by family . That she never had any help. That the world was cruel and no one ever loved her ? What if ?
But what if- that was how she felt? And now has let her feelings become those of her children? Oh my goodness what if?
What if ? In doing this, will she will have created new trust issues for her own children now?
What if all of this is so mich more than just unfair to two kids who simply loved the Nana and Poppy they always have known ?
WHAT IF the only gift we have to offer you both is truth, love, and historical input for your future , what if you spend the rest of your lives feeling unhappiness that was contrived or misleading ,,, the only thing we have left to give is the simple fact that you are both loved – for ever and for always – from here to the moon and back –
The website of love letters is written to make sure we don’t lose sight of truth , and What is real. We love our children. We love our grandchildren. We respect that we are perfectly imperfect people who have always loved and will love always. We will hope that the “what if ?”, Can be dispelled into realization that we need to live in kindness, in integrity and in gratitude for what we have, who has been part of our journey and choose to live in love ?. What if we can dream about one day soon seeing your smiling faces, going to a new movie, watching your journey as grandparents do, summer visits or school breaks? What if we hope… that is what we will do and in that hope is hope for you to be happy to feel loved and to know we hold your biggest dreams and all the joy in the world close not matter the distance no matter the circumstance we are wishing you love always !
what if you could always feel and know in your hearts –
We love you to the moon and back,
forever and for always –
❤️Nana and Poppy ❤️?